Dear Satan Claus – Devourer of Children’s Souls,
This year, I have been a very Ritalin-addled met fan. I have not embezzeled, and I have always helped my coworker’s “special friend” with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of ass kicking free agents this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For Omar Minaya, please bring Valium. For Jerry Manuel, please bring a new bullpen. For my big brother, please bring methodone. For my doggy, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh – and for my mailman, please bring some fruit cake.
Now about me! Please bring me all of the Anna Nicole Smith videos, and front row tickets to Britney Spears – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my pony. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really DONT want is Luis Castillo at second base!
Anyway, I hope you like the cognac I left out for you.
PS: Please say Merry Christmas to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Luis Castillo and Aaron Heilman? They has been really naughty weeners all year long and dont deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put dog shit in their stocking. Thanks!